Lorenz: Day 0: The only way from here is up.

My journey began in Freilassing, Germany, where I took the Bayerische Regionalbahn to Munich. I chose the train instead of a plane because I wanted to bring my bike, which is particularly useful in Copenhagen, a city built for cyclists. I bought my ticket online through the Deutsche Bahn website, but for some reason, I couldn’t book a bike ticket since the train that covered the last leg of my journey was operated by DSB (Danske Statsbaner) and not DB.

I didn’t even think twice about it since I assumed I could simply buy the bike ticket on the train. That turned out to be a major mistake.

The ride from Freilassing to Munich went smoothly, and I arrived on time to catch the ICE to Hamburg. I took a nap until I was woken by a box-standard, jobsworth Deutsche Bahn ticket inspector with a not so box-standard twist: a Hitler mustache. I offered him a double-cream Oreo before showing my ticket and asking to purchase the bike ticket. He then told me that if I had a bike and hadn’t bought a ticket in advance, I would have to get off at the next stop.

In disbelief, I looked at the bike carriage behind him — my bike was the only one there — and then back at him. I then argued with him for a solid 10 minutes, even offering that as soon as the bike carriage was actually FULL I would leave, all while keeping my cool. It was only after he had called the police on me, at which point I lost my temper and got rude.

When we arrived in Schweinfurt, a small city of about 50,000 people, two German police officers were already waiting. They took my personal information and then left me there with no clue what to do.

So, instead of doing Erasmus Plus in Copenhagen, I was now doing Homelessness Plus in Schweinfurt.

The next ICE for which my ticket was valid wouldn’t arrive for another six hours, so I called the Deutsche Bahn help hotline. A for-DB-standards very friendly operator explained that there was nothing she could do about my bike since every other ICE bike carriage was fully booked out, and I had been removed from the only one that could have taken it hence it was actually NOT fully booked out, confirming my suspicion.

She offered me the only option: if I left my bike in Schweinfurt, she could adjust my ticket so I could take a regional train to Würzburg and then an ICE to Hamburg which would arrive on time for my connection to Copenhagen so I could still arrive on time. I locked my bike, which was to be left Schweinfurt, and waited. And waited. And waited.

After a minor delay of only 90 minutes, the regional train finally arrived. The only upside: once in Würzburg, I wouldn’t need to wait so long for the ICE, because it was already there, and our train driver had arranged for it to wait for us.

When the doors opened, hell broke loose. A single mother struggled with her stroller, almost pushing it downstairs (the elevator was broken), drunk German tourists were shouting, and everyone rushed to platform 10, eager to catch the ICE. As I climbed the stairs, I heard someone curse loudly at the ICE driver (this is a school website so we will keep it clean!) — not without reason, since the train departed without us despite the promise to wait.

This meant another two-hour wait for the next ICE, causing me to arrive in Copenhagen two hours later than planned.

The changeover in Hamburg and getting across the Danish border in contrast went smoothly, but all of a sudden and completely out of nowhere the EuroCity slammed its brakes so heavily that everything not bolted down went flying through the carriage.

After about a minute of confusion, they announced that someone had attempted to commit suicide and was still lying on the tracks. The Politi, the Danish police, would need to come and remove the person. 

So after all, even though I was no longer a passenger of the Deutsche Bahn, I still was 15 minutes late in Copenhagen.

Statistics overview:

Hours spent at train stations: 6

Train connections missed: 2

Bikes lost: 1

Suicides prevented: 1

Fights won against ticket inspectors: 0

So what have I learned? DO NOT GO BY TRAIN WITH DEUTSCHE BAHN!!!